Chances are I wont always be here on tumblr anymore. You know where to find me :)x follow me?
-Ask yourself why you feel like this. Is it because of an event that has occurred, or are you down in the dumps because it’s the only place you know where to be?
-Sit in your room and cry. It is best, I have learned, to hide under the covers at an odd hour so that your mother does not come downstairs and ask you what’s wrong. Unless you want to be asked what is wrong. In that case, open the door to your bedroom and wail.
-Head over to the library. Drag your fingers over the spines of the books. Read the backs of some. Do not leave until you have a considerable amount in your arms to check out. Fall in love with a few and read them until you can accept that beauty is worth living for. Let the rest sit on your dresser until they have to be returned.
-Don’t leave the house for almost a week. Realize you have not showered in days when you go out to walk your dogs and are glared at by fathers pushing strollers. Fix yourself up out of shame, rather than the desire to.
-Fill up your calendar with things you wouldn’t dare miss: concerts, trips, your best friend’s birthday. Make sure you hang this reminder that things are going to be good somewhere you can see it. If you are quite sad, you might want to consider taping it to your eyelids.
-Use your sadness as an opportunity to create something truly beautiful. Not talented, you say? Please. Some of the best art is idea, not talent based. Find objects on the street and call them sculptures, like Duchamp. Fling paint at a canvas until you feel less upset, like Pollock. Stab the canvas a few times, no one will judge you.
-Start laughing at your depression. Allow it to turn you into a pretentious prick. Only buy jazz records and sit on your front lawn listening to them as you sip an espresso and glare at your socially acceptable neighbors. Give them something to call the cops about.
-Have a few secrets. Run down the street naked each night. Tell your friends, who you’ve also told you don’t believe in God, that you’re going to take a walk. Walk straight into a church just because you like to listen to others sing. Get a tattoo on your ribs. Lie when someone asks you your name. Tell them it’s Florence, tell them you’re a spy, tell them you’re happy.
-Fall in love with a boy because he seems safe. Fall in love with a boy because your mother hates him. Fall in love with a boy because he makes you feel alive. Leave him. Marry him. Forget him. Ask yourself how you will ever be able to stop kissing him.
-Live your life as freely as you please, because if you want to die, you’ve granted yourself a freedom you might not have been able to find otherwise. Quit playing things safe. You’re a bit crazy, let that work for you. Do as many things as you can without fear because you’ll be too busy saying, “Whatever. I could be dead” to be afraid.
-Find yourself beginning to have fun, until one day, you wake up to find your face sore from sleeping with a smile on. Realize that you are happy. Love how your bones tingle with excitement at the thought of living. And then, go. Live. Finally, you are free.
I hope people would unfollow me, i mean everyone who cant handle sad, depressing and triggering stuff on your dashboard im turning this blog into some sort of diary. A dark one at that :) i just dont want to trigger you, i appreciate all 8k of you but i was just thinking, i dont wanna destroy you or bring you down with me, if you dont care about this or dont really care about trigger stuff or something, good for you, carry on. (:
After all, i dont really care anymore. You’re all just strangers to me, as i am to you. I just want to get better, but i dont want to affect you or to influence you.
This is my blog, and this is just for me.
:) thank you, carry on. I give you permission to unfollow me haha you dont have to send a disturbing message. xx
Oh well i think im going to watch some misha collins vids or supernatural gag reels now, they always make me feel better
Mom and dad were fighting and i kinda sorta couldnt take it anymore so i snapped.
We had a big shouting match, which im sure the whole neighborhood heard. And i told them everything. How i want to die and didnt really expect to live this long and how ive been plotting ways to kill myself accidentally* and i even dared my father to kill me or punch me. Id rather take physical abuse than the emotional strain they put me through. I dont think they even realize how much everything is affecting me.
Anyway, That was pretty crazy and the looks on their faces was priceless but i couldnt take it anymore. Oh and he almost did snap my neck. And for one moment i felt this hope and giddy feeling almost like wishing he’d do it. Its scary now that i think about it. He was a kick boxer so im pretty sure he could have done it pretty quick. Also, idk why i said what i said I just wanted everything to be over. Their angry voices mixing with the other voices in my head… i snapped.
Its scary how i almost wished, how i wanted my own father to kill me then and there.
Also got several slaps from mom, i guess i deserved it all, its my fault. I shouldnt have snapped, i shouldnt have lost control like that but i can only take so much you know and i couldnt take it anymore. I guess parts of me just wanted to feel pain in another sense. It’s scary how much i welcomed the pain at that moment. Almost asking for more. Maybe i felt so emty and cold and numb i just wanted to be alive, cliche i know but its the truth.
It was a relief. Kinda like the feeling when cutting but the difference is you’re not giving yourself the relief you seek but you just have to push them on and they would do it for you.
How i knew what i was doing. How i wanted it…
Maybe i wanted to feel their fists and slaps rather than their words.maybe i wanted to see bruises than me having to wake up from nightmares all the time. I told them how im fucked up in the head and stuff but funny thing is, they think its so easy to control these things, like it has a switch, ive been clean for like a long time already, i dont cut or do destructive things anymore, i dont cut up my clothes or destroy pretty things and thats pretty telling right. Ofcourse they dont see that. I dont think they’ll ever understand anyway. I dont expect them to.
A part of me is thankful they dont have to experience all this blackouts and fuckedup-ness in my head. Depression is kinda like cancer too i think. Just a random thought.
Anyway, Im sorry for tonight, I just wanted to bleed.
I feel everything. From the bath water that’s slightly too cold, to the pain in that old man’s eyes as he walks through the street and wonders how he came to be so alone. I think such small and intricate thoughts; untouched blades, so dangerously sharp. These thoughts cut the deepest and yet a part of me craves to swim in a river of red. I want to watch myself bleed in the comfort of knowing I’m not alone and nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has thought to look for. That’s why shallow people are often so beautifully pristine - they are thinkers of common thoughts: blunt knives that cut no deeper into their smooth skin than the hands that caress their bodies.
Lonely are the sufferers.
I never pictured my life beyond the age seventeen i just wanted to die (that’s how fucked up in the head I am.) I mean sure, I fantasize of having someone to share life with and being successful and stuff but its always blurry… I turned eighteen three days ago and its scaring the shit out of me.
And now they’re back to asking me questions, Where my life is going? What I plan to do with it? I honestly dont know. I just want them to shut up because I honestly dont know. im fucked up in the head.
The only thing good that came out of me turning eighteen is I can finally go see a psychiatrist without having to ask my parents’ permission.
if there is a god, fuck help me.
I changed a lot this year. but one thing still remains true, i still suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, its okay I guess, you get used to it, and you can only hope the people around you will too.
20 or 50 years from now, Angelina Jolie will become an icon too, like Marylyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn i just know it!
1. There will be some days when you close your eyes while crossing the street, maybe because you want to see what fate has in store for you, or maybe because your depression is running rampant again and you don’t know how to calm her. It’s okay. I will still love you.
2. There will be a year, or a series of years when your birthday doesn’t feel special. Celebrate anyway. Because people spent time baking you a cake and buying you cards and even if they’re your family and they’re obligated to, they still love you. Cherish that love. Revel in it. It is the best gift you will ever receive.
3. You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is stay. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut.
4. Along with hearing the word stay, you will also hear the word why from every person who is remotely related to you. Why did you get that tattoo? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why aren’t you married yet? You don’t have to answer them. Be selfish. Keep somethings to yourself.
5. Some nights you won’t be able to sleep. You will lie awake at 2 am and contemplate existentialism and wonder if the French had a point. Get up. Get out of your bed. Do something. Because even if there is no God, what you do matters, who you are matters. You matter to me.
6. Some days you will want to run away and never return. So go. Drive to a small town in the Northwest, maybe Oregon, and settle down there for a while. Tell people your name is Elizabeth, because you loved Jane Austen as a child and because this a town full of strangers and who’s to know the difference? Don’t be selfish. Call your mother each night and remind her that you love her. Come back home when you find yourself seeing your sadness painted in the shadows, and when you feel more at home in the arms of a stranger than on your own.
7. There will be several nights when you lose yourself in the medicine cabinet, because liquor and morphine seem like a faster cure than time. It’s okay. I will still love you in the morning.
8. One day, in the midst of work, you will learn to forgive. It will start out with a simple reminder of the past, maybe a facebook notification from an old schoolmate or a wedding announcement from an ex-lover. In that moment you will learn that yearning for the past isn’t romantic, it’s stupid, and that if Gatsby had just let go of the green light he would’ve lived. So forgive your past, it didn’t know any better, and move on.
9. Leaving home will hurt, but soon you will learn that home isn’t a place but a feeling, and that there is a compass on your heart that points directly to that feeling. Follow that compass. Don’t get sidetracked by boys who don’t care or alcohol that doesn’t forgive. If you follow that compass, no matter how lost you get, you will always have a home.
10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.
11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.
12. Some days will be beautiful. Live for those days. Live for the days when the sun shines on your soul and the smile on your face isn’t forced. Live for the days when you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because your scars are a part of your story and you don’t need someone else’s approval to wear them with pride.
Live for the life you always wanted but were too scared to pursue.
Live for you. Live for me. Live for every person who has ever loved you, for the people who have come before you so that you may be here today.
Live for the fire that burns in your soul, that tells you: keep going, you’re almost there, just a little farther. Because when Rome burned down the emperor didn’t run away, he stayed and he sang for his people. Stay. Sing for your people. Sing for us.
Are you listening? Because this is your life, singing a siren song to capture your attention and steer away from the rocks, to guide you back home.
my blog is such a mess just like my life
1. Know that you are still blooming, and this is okay.
2. Write handwritten love notes to the parts of yourself you hate.
3. Find the comfort in holding your own hand.
4. Remember, even clouds cry sometimes.
5. Date yourself. Get to know yourself again.
6. Learn how to be alone without feeling lonely.
7. Do something that scares you every day, no matter how small. Watch your life change.
8. Stop wishing for a vacation and make your life into something you don’t wish to escape from.
9. Recognize that the best artists color outside the lines. You have the same freedom in your life. Break conventions.
10. Go to the florist on the corner and buy yourself some flowers. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.
11. Throw out your premeditated list of qualities for your perfect mate. That special person is not a recipe or equation. Humans are more than that.
12. Share your testimony. Our story is meant to be heard. Find your voice.
13. Wish to be more like rain than snow. Snow is frigid and hardens. Rain is vulnerable and soft.
14. Look at your veins. They are roots, and your limbs are branches. Your body is a strong tree. Don’t you dare cut it down.
15. Strive to have the humility as the sun. It shines brilliantly every day without needing anyone to notice.
16. Flip through old photos and reminisce about the past, but do not live there. Nothing new happens there.
17. Dust off the fingerprints of any past lover left on your skin. You belong only to yourself.
18. Become the person you’d like to fall in love with.
19. Loving yourself again will be like putting on eyeglasses. The blur will fade and you will see yourself for what you truly are: beautiful.
And there is fucking nothing you can do to take back all the wrong things you have said. And done.
Dont worry, ill still do my duties for this fucked up family. But dont expect me to respect you anymore, its earned.
Strict parents are the shit. How the hell do they expect their child to do the right thing if they dont give them a chance at all to do it. Fuckin stupid. I swear i love my parents but i wish to god i dont end up like them.
Its like they expect me be fucking perfect all the time, the more mistakes i make the tighter their choke on me is.
Im running out of air and space to breathe in.
Dont blame me for being rebellious. If you put a lion in a cage, there are only two things that could happen, one is their spirit is broken down or two, they grow to hate you. On my case, its the latter.
And you tell me, “its like we dont know you” lmao mom, you were so busy trying to shove who you want me to be up my ass to see who i really am.
I dont wanna be who you want me to be.
Cant you see that? Im not cutout for that kind of shit.
You lost me a long time ago.
I miss those times when all i had to worry about was what i was going to wear, or debating what flavor of ice cream i should get now i have to think of good enough reasons why i should keep on living or if i should continue med schol or go through business school and law school, and worrying about all the people i pushed away and reminding myself not to take the easy way out every single night.
This is life, alright. But like what they say, “life is a bitch. If it’s easy you are doing smething wrong”